Monthly Archives: September 2011

All I Wanted – A Tale of 7 WTFs …..

I’m a simple man (no, not a simpleton. There is a difference, despite what commercials would have you believe). It doesn’t take a lot to keep me happy. But, Dear Universe, at least make an Effort (I promised not to use the EFF-WORD this time).

Yesterday  my wife and I went out for our 20th anniversary. No, not on a cruise, not to Paris for dinner (I’m a writer with a day job, not an author). First stop, T-Mobile to get a new cell phone. My little Nokia has been great for the better part of the last decade, but several keys don’t work very well and one of them is in my home number (yes, the speed dial number). It was time.

We were informed that it had been 89 months since our last upgrade. Months? You mean over seven years? (It’s like parents who tell you their kids age in months and you have the do the freaking math to figure out how old he/she is). Guess we were due. My wife complained that I was getting a new phone, but we share it. I just use most of the time. I digress, as usual. Oh, by the way, if you have something to do, better get it done and come back, this is going to take a while.

So, we’re at T-Mobile and I’m looking at phones with a keyboard as I have started sending a lot more text messages and pushing those little buttons three times to write a “C” is getting old (that’s why they don’t work anymore). Cheapest option was $39.00. All I wanted was a phone with a keyboard, ok, forty bucks isn’t too bad.  Nice Mr. Clerk takes the SIM card out of my old phone (no, not the computer game) and puts it in my new phone. I can do this. It takes literally thirty or forty seconds. Phone upgrade charge: $18.00  WTF#1? That comes out to $27 a minute or $1620 an hour. Holy Rip Off, Batman. And no, they won’t spot you the eighteen bucks if you move the chip yourself. So my upgraded, thirty-nine dollar phone came to just shy of seventy bucks after they added sales tax (not T-Mobile’s fault, that is another rant altogether). Another BTW, that does NOT include a car charger or USB cable to download your pics from the phone to your computer. *sigh* Folks, I haven’t even gotten to the punch line yet. An hour and half later, I received two text messages from friends and when I went to return them, my phone said “Service not supported” or some such phrase. WTF#2? I have unlimited text…. Ok, back to T-Mobile at 7:02… to find the doors locked. 7:00? on Saturday? WTF#3? Fortunately, nice Mr. Clerk recognized me and let me in.  Apparently, my SIM card was bad. It was changed, the phone worked and this part of the story has a  happy ending.

We decided to got to El Torito for dinner. There is a new one near our house and it’s one one of my wife’s three favorite places to eat (No, I did not encourage her because it is the cheapest of the three). Service, excellent. Music in the bar, horrible. WTF#4 Techno/house/rapcrap that made my filling rattle (really, only one). No, they do not have a dance floor. I am old and white, and even the ex-DJ in me could not stand it. We asked to be moved to the dining room and they were very good about doing so. Our waitress was great and never missed a beat. All I wanted was to enjoy dinner with my wife…..

I order a cranberry/pineapple juice. I don’t drink alcohol (no, I don’t go to meetings, I developed an allergy to it) and the drink was brought forthwith (that means right away). All I wanted was a drink. The straw in the glass was exactly as long as the glass was tall, meaning that there was no way to get my mouth on it. Really? WTF#5? I pointed this out to our waitress and she immediately hooked me up with a longer straw. Much longer. Like I said, she was great. All I wanted was a drink of juice, maybe several.

We went and saw “The Rise of the Planet of the Apes”. Good movie, but WTF#6? Commercials? Holy Marketing Crap, Batman! And BTW, to the powers that be, the commercial with the break dancing hamsters and fighting robots? Bite me… stupid doesn’t even scratch the surface. Oh, yeah, it was from KIA if I’m not mistaken. Teenagers don’t buy KIAs, so why does your commercial have their crappy music in it? All I wanted was to enjoy a movie with my wife. We did get to see four trailers, which I enjoy, and they all looked to be promising movies, but the hamsters still bugged me.

Last stop, I promise. Krispy Kreme donuts is in the same mall as the theater. Open 24 hours. My wife’s fave, raspberry filled glazed donut. All she wanted ….. you get the picture. WTF#7? A little FYI to Krispy Kreme… YOU SELL FREAKING DONUTS! IF YOU RUN OUT OF ALMOST EVERY FREAKING KIND OF DONUT, CUSTOMERS ARE NOT HAPPY! ARE YOU LISTENING? Holy Crappy Customer Service, Batman! We had to wait in line while every person in front of us rearranged their order to fit whatever lame selection was left. It’s Saturday, you know people buy donuts…. MAKE SOME MORE! And no, I’m NOT driving around for forty-five minutes to wait while you do it. PLAN AHEAD! They should teach this at Krispy Kreme Kollege, but apparently not. Sorry, this part does not have a happy ending. Wifey had to settle for a chocolate bar, which is a far cry from a raspberry filled glazed donut. Now I’m torn between making her happy and getting some this morning (giving lame KK more of my money) and boycotting them altogether. I don’t like their donuts. But my wife does. And she has been married to me for twenty years. We’ll see. Her tastes (in men) are obviously simple , so I probably shouldn’t complain. Too late. 1018 words later.


Don’t Take Yourself So Fucking Seriously

The title alone will eliminate a good number of readers from this post. Too bad. They are likely the ones who need it the most. *sigh* I can only help so many people, and they have to want help.  BTW, besides using the dreaded EFF-WORD, I also used an adverb *AA* (adverb alert, this will appear regularly *AA* and no 12 step program to help it, either).  People often say, “Don’t take yourself so serious.” That is grammatically incorrect, as the verb take is being modified, so seriously must be used. *AA* Just wanted to be clear on all that.

Ok, the reason I wrote this: Among millions of other great attributes that we as Americans seem to have misplaced or packed away in the attics of our minds is our sense of humor. “Holy Crap, Batman, these uptight people won’t laugh at a fucking thing!” You’re right, Boy Wonder, because we have become so cowed by the media (I say we in a general term, I suffer no such problem as I will demonstrate), beat over the head by the conservative right and had so much Political Correctness shoved down our throats, I’m surprised comedy clubs are still in business. (Actually, I’m not….. we need them more than ever). Really, people? Laugh, Dammit! Some of the shit going on around you is really funny.

If you are here because you found me on Twitter or Facebook (these two sites are conspiring to waste my entire life… no 12 steps here either) then you have been warned continuously that I have no filter between my brain and my mouth… or fingers in this case. A friend once said I should come with a warning label. I do. It’s the title of this blog. Sorry, last time I checked the First Amendment of the Constitution was still in effect. I don’t slander others or make fun of people who have real problems (that are not their own fault). I’m a nice guy. And some of the shit I say makes me laugh so hard I get tears running down my face. Happens to other people too. I am single-handedly keeping the mascara industry alive and well. This post might not do it, but at some point, I will make you laugh till you cry.

Now to the point (381 words later): Stop getting offended at stuff that is meant to be funny. You might not think it’s funny, and that’s OK, comedy, like all art and entertainment, is subjective. I personally *AA* think Ben Stiller is not funny at all, some of his movies are a scream, but not because he is in them. His bank account would dictate that many do not share my opinion. Comedian Lisa Lampanelli is one of my favorites. She is so NOT P.C. and my sides hurt every time I watch her. She makes racial comments, calls children “nig-lets, chink-lets and spic-lets”. She is lily white and dates black men, “I’ve had more black cock in me than a urinal at the Apollo” and constantly reams her audiences a new one. They even call her the “Queen of Mean”. Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock have done some great bits tearing into us lame white folks, and absolutely nothing makes me laugh harder. Because all comedy is based on some element of truth and we fucking know it. That’s what makes it funny.

There is an element of timing in comedy. Comedian Gilbert Gottfried lost his job as the voice of the Aflac Duck because of comments he made following the disaster in Japan. The joke was marginally funny at best and it was far too soon for it not to be construed as insensitive. There is a line… I’m usually walking it all the time. Keeps things interesting.

From time to time I will post things here that come to my mind, that I read on the internet (greatest waster of time in the world, sort of what you’re doing right now), see or read on Twitter, Facebook or someone’s blog. Maybe even a bumper sticker. It might be deep, it might be stupid and sometimes it will be funny. But it will NEVER pass through a filter for offensive content.  What would be the point? BTW, if this has offended you, I have a coupon below for 10% off the installation of your own sense of humor. It’s the least I can do. Now have a great fucking day. 🙂